“Everything popular is wrong.”- Oscar Wilde
This place is a giant brown refrigerator and it’s butts-to-nuts crowded. All I need is some coffee and a bar of soap. This should only take about 3 hours.
Everyone is confused. International students and elderly whites are crashing carts and getting lost. There’s a rumor that someone died while looking for a radish during the morning rush.
Wegmans is a Sam’s Club disguised as a food market. They sell things called Family Packs, but I’ve never seen a family that needed 24 bell peppers.
This place sells more stolen intellectual property than a Taiwanese flea market. Half the products for sale are knock-offs of popular items and sold under the Wegman’s store brand. Whatever is trending, they steal:
Wegman’s Pomegranate Flavored Lip Balm. Wegman’s Gluten-Free Belgian Waffles. Wegman’s Keto Friendly Brownie Mix. Wegman’s Spicy Kimchee Miso Eyedrops. The list goes on.
How many hippies’ lives has this giant box destroyed? Innovators who spent years hiking and kayaking the Amazon to formulate the perfect chocolate bar. Only to pitch it to Wegmans, have it sold for a few months, and then ripped off.
If you find a name brand you like, keep it to yourself. Danny is watching.
Is anyone over the age of twenty employed here? Every employee looks like a teenage golf caddy fighting through a heavy dose of Accutane. Trying to leave, clutching my coffee and soap, I ask one of the pink polo shirts a question. It’s a mouthful:
“What is a Wegmans GO Cart Customer Self-Checkout Lane?”
“The GO Carts are the shopping carts that have a product scanner built into them. If you shop with a GO Cart, you can then use the Go Cart self-checkout lane. Because your items are already scanned by the cart, checkout will be faster.”
I count 25 self-checkout lanes. Pretty soon, Wegmans won’t even employ high schoolers.
This was my late grandmother’s Wegmans. Someone who never touched a computer or smartphone in her life. I picture her and her silver perm alone in this place. She is trying to buy a few small items at self-checkout. She can’t do it. It’s heartbreaking.
I feel bad for the elderly. They busted their ass in the past, and now they’re getting locked out of the present by bullshit like this.
In a couple of years, Wegmans will require us to perform a sponsored TikTok dance just to buy a loaf of bread. Our grandmothers will be panhandling on Alberta Drive. Dirty hands outstretched, holding obsolete bills and coins. Begging us to buy them food.
Standing before the glowing screen, wallet in-hand, I ask myself:
Is this the future that I want?
Bowling Diarrhea 
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